I started this blog as a way to share my perspective on life, to learn to feel comfortable speaking about things that matter to me, to put myself out into the world more intentionally. But when I sat down yesterday in front of this screen to write a post (yesterday was Monday, the day I chose to stay committed to writing every week), nothing was coming to me. I didn't know what to write. Did I have nothing to say?
Of course not. I always have something to say. But the things that were coming to me all felt depressing. For example, yesterday was Earth Day, but the way we humans destroy, neglect, and harm this planet we call home fills me with despair. There's so much quite clear and obvious evidence of the destruction we humans have created, yet so many do not ~ or cannot find the energy to ~ care. Rather than that focus, I could have come up with a list of ways we could all celebrate Earth. Definitely more positive. But at the same time I'm exhausted by the larger systems and entities and those who control things and their intentional harm they cause in their lust for power and money. Yes, each of us an individuals can make an impact, but why aren't those doing the most harm held more accountable?
I didn't feel up to focusing on that when I sat down to write.
I just returned home from five delightful days in New Orleans ~ my first time there. I could have shared photos and experiences and thoughts on all that I did while there. I had so much fun! But here too, the reflections that bubbled to the surface first were instead about the inequities in the service jobs of the tourist industry; or the impact of thousands and thousands of pounds of plastic that mardi gras bling that is produced and often thrown away that adds to the mess of this planet; or what I witnessed of the ridiculousness of men denying that patriarchy and misogyny even exist. Inspiring stuff indeed!
I could have written about my reflections on being one year into this new life path of mine and how I still feel as confused as ever about the direction I'm heading. Yet how I'm also more sure than ever that it was absolutely the right decision and I don't regret it for one minute. But that these conflicting thoughts themselves sometimes keep me up at night ~ how can I possibly be so sure and so unsure at the same time?!
Welcome to the noise of my brain. This is how I see the world. This is my lens. I'm able to see and experience all of the joy (intentionally)! But I also see and acutely feel the challenges of the unknown, the pain, and the injustices of this planet. And I'm exhausted by the effort it requires to not give in to despair when witnessing on such a large scale the infinite number of ways in which we humans create and cause suffering for each other (thanks to social media and to the insistence of having televisions in every single fucking place you go, blaring out so much noise - both the volume and content-wise).
Where does being an artist leading workshops come into play? How do I focus on creativity and helping others discover their own creative path and best selves when I'm so often bogged down by the weight of being human? How do I give myself grace for letting my silver-lining queen crown slip off once in a while and actually feel lost?
These are the questions I'm asking right now.
These are the things I'm choosing to share with you today.
I don't have the answers. I'm not expecting you to either.
I guess I just need to be okay with the not knowing. Actually I'd LOVE to be okay with the not knowing. But naturally, MUCH easier said than done.
One thing I do know is that I want to connect with others who ask these questions too. So that we can be less alone in wondering about this life and all its deafening problems and contrasting joys. I write here, in a public space ~ as opposed to just in my own private journal ~ to let others know that they are not alone either. We all need to lean on each other and help each other to make the changes that will turn this planet around and benefit every person and every single being rather than just an elite few. We definitely need to do it together.
And some Mondays (that end up being Tuesdays) this is all I've got.
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Thank you for sharing this!
I understand the struggle and it’s one that I navigate often. I allow the waves of despair to rush through me and honor my emotions. I then do heart focused breathing to raise my vibration first then send that loving energy out into the quantum field as my personal attempt at raising collective consciousness 💜
Oh, do I HEAR you, sister...and yes, I'm asking the same questions and walking the very fine line between hope and despair. No answers...but I think living into the questions is a start. xoxo mel